Motivation from the Dark

Sorry this post is a little late. It was hard for me to write as you will see as you read this post. This weeks topic is about motivation. As a warning, this post is going to get really dark for a moment, which might seem out of character for me as I usually try to stay positive in my posts, but it'll get better toward the end I promise.


So what motivates me to keep writing and not give up? Well, to answer that I have to take you back a few years to a sixteen year old girl trapped by alcohol and drug addiction. I couldn't function without a few vicodins or oxycodones to start the day, a few drinks after school (okay a lot of drinks) and more pills at night. The fact that I didn't stop my heart with this combination of chemicals is beyond me.

I should have died.

I wanted to die.


Yes, it's true. I wanted to die more than anything. I would wake up extremely mad I woke up at all. I tried to years to find the right concoction of drugs that would let me just slip away in my sleep. But I never found it.

I guess maybe I have a purpose to fulfill in this life. Perhaps I am destined for something. Who knows. All I know is that for about ten years, my soul was in total agony because of what I was doing to myself and the fact that I seemed immortal!

I don't want to scare you too much with the horror stories of those ten years. But let me just say I can tell you each moment where rightfully and scientifically I should have died. Besides the lethal drugs I was pumping steadily into my system, there was the fact I ran into traffic - on purpose. I purposefully walked into dangerous situations and fights hoping I would come out the loser (and in my mind, really, the winner...) I have more scars than I can count - one of which from a somewhat serious stab wound to my chest. The rest from doing things like, rock climbing with no safety equipment.

Obviously this story has a happy ending. I didn't die and I don't want to die anymore. I got into a recovery program, AA, and slowly began to put back the pieces of my life. It's been four and a half years since my last drink - four and half years since I last wanted to die.

So what motivates me to keep going and not quit? The fact that every day I have now is a miracle. Sometimes I feel I didn't earn this time because of the person I once was. I hurt people during those ten years I suffered - I hurt a lot of people. Each day is a blessing that I can't take for granted. I wasted ten years of my life because of my own selfishness and pain and I don't intend to waste another moment. I keep improving and learning and moving forward in a positive way.

I should have died long before I reached the age of 20. The first birthday I had after I sobered up I cried for most of the day. I never thought I would see the age of 23.

Like I said. I must have a destiny to fulfill. I have been blessed with friends who truly love and care about me, a husband who has stuck by my side for the last four and a half years, a beautiful son who adores me.

If I was to impart any knowledge to the readers out there it would be this. Don't waste your life. If you have dreams or things you want to do -- go do them NOW. Life is way too short to wait for "someday." And it's way too short to quit when things get tough.

I'll close with one of my favorite quotes:

"Love like you've never been hurt,

Dance like no one is watching,

Sing like no one is listening,

Work like you don't need money,

and Live like there's no tomorrow."

You Are Your Own Motivation

"What motivates you to keep writing and not give up?"

That's a very good question, considering I haven't written anything all month. Have I given up? Pffft. No. I'm in this too deep, past the point of no return.

Do I want to give up? Nah.

Have I thought about giving up? Of course I have. Life would be easier if I didn't write. After all, I have a day job. I could do what most American's do after work; watch TV, drink a cold one, hang out with friends.

Instead, I do what only writers with a day job do; I go straight to my computer and work. I don't watch TV because it distracts me from writing and promoting. I don't drink because I get buzzed easily and I don't want to see the result of drunken writing. Scary thought. Seriously. As for hanging out with friends ... What friends?? Oh, sure, I talk to Ana and Charlene on Skype and I go out with my boyfriend once in a while. But that about sums up my social life. I'm too busy trying to be an author to have a social life, so my social life consist of "friends" and "followers" online. Don't get me wrong, I love my social networking buddies.

But I wasn't always a hermit crab. I wasn't always a writer. I'm only twenty-five, I still remember my high school and college years. My pre-writing years. I don't have kids, I'm not married. It would be very simple to quit and go back to "normal".

So why don't I?

Honestly, I don't want to. I have a stubborn, determined passion to become an author. Well, scratch that. I'm already under contract with MuseItUp Publishing Inc. So, I AM an author. :)

Why would I quit now? I'm just getting started.

As far as what motivates me, the only answer I have for you is Me, Myself, and I. There's nothing, NOTHING easy about being an author. You might think plotting and writing the first draft is hard - and it is! But just wait until you start editing. You'll think "Nothing can be harder than this s**t." But of course, you wouldn't write and edit an entire manuscript without planning to publish it. HA. Guess what? Getting an agent or editor contract is HARD WORK. Lets say you get that far... have you tried self-promotion yet? That's where I am now. Hmm? Why are you looking at me funny? Oh, they didn't tell you you have to promote yourself? Yup. Unless you can afford to hire a PR. Which most of us can't.

Seriously. There is nothing and no one out there that's going to push you to do this. ANYTHING would be easier than writing. Especially since you don't get paid until you start selling books. Oh, and no one gets into this biz expecting to become rich. Sure, we all hope to be an overnight success like Stephenie Meyer. But we all know in the back of our heads that Meyer is the very definition of "exception". More like "jack pot lottery winner" if you ask me.

After all the blood, sweat, and tears (yes, I've actually done all three. Blood? Paper cut. Nasty things...) you may or may not sell a book. But whether you do or not, once you come full circle, you realize you're not at some higher place on the proverbial chart. No, you're back at the beginning, staring at the blinking courser on a blank Word Document, trying to puzzle out your next manuscript. And the whole process starts over again. HA.

Oh, not happy with that answer? Want to know what REALLY motivates little old me? It's the dream of one day seeing a novel I've written in print on the shelf of a Barns & Noble. Hopefully they won't also go bankrupt before I get that far. That, and a level of stubbornness only a female Taurus can achieve. Yup, that's really, really it. Just a stubborn dream.