Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Motivation from the Dark

Sorry this post is a little late. It was hard for me to write as you will see as you read this post. This weeks topic is about motivation. As a warning, this post is going to get really dark for a moment, which might seem out of character for me as I usually try to stay positive in my posts, but it'll get better toward the end I promise.

So what motivates me to keep writing and not give up? Well, to answer that I have to take you back a few years to a sixteen year old girl trapped by alcohol and drug addiction. I couldn't function without a few vicodins or oxycodones to start the day, a few drinks after school (okay a lot of drinks) and more pills at night. The fact that I didn't stop my heart with this combination of chemicals is beyond me.

I should have died.

I wanted to die.

Yes, it's true. I wanted to die more than anything. I would wake up extremely mad I woke up at all. I tried to years to find the right concoction of drugs that would let me just slip away in my sleep. But I never found it.

I guess maybe I have a purpose to fulfill in this life. Perhaps I am destined for something. Who knows. All I know is that for about ten years, my soul was in total agony because of what I was doing to myself and the fact that I seemed immortal!

I don't want to scare you too much with the horror stories of those ten years. But let me just say I can tell you each moment where rightfully and scientifically I should have died. Besides the lethal drugs I was pumping steadily into my system, there was the fact I ran into traffic - on purpose. I purposefully walked into dangerous situations and fights hoping I would come out the loser (and in my mind, really, the winner...) I have more scars than I can count - one of which from a somewhat serious stab wound to my chest. The rest from doing things like, rock climbing with no safety equipment.

Obviously this story has a happy ending. I didn't die and I don't want to die anymore. I got into a recovery program, AA, and slowly began to put back the pieces of my life. It's been four and a half years since my last drink - four and half years since I last wanted to die.

So what motivates me to keep going and not quit? The fact that every day I have now is a miracle. Sometimes I feel I didn't earn this time because of the person I once was. I hurt people during those ten years I suffered - I hurt a lot of people. Each day is a blessing that I can't take for granted. I wasted ten years of my life because of my own selfishness and pain and I don't intend to waste another moment. I keep improving and learning and moving forward in a positive way.

I should have died long before I reached the age of 20. The first birthday I had after I sobered up I cried for most of the day. I never thought I would see the age of 23.

Like I said. I must have a destiny to fulfill. I have been blessed with friends who truly love and care about me, a husband who has stuck by my side for the last four and a half years, a beautiful son who adores me.

If I was to impart any knowledge to the readers out there it would be this. Don't waste your life. If you have dreams or things you want to do -- go do them NOW. Life is way too short to wait for "someday." And it's way too short to quit when things get tough.

I'll close with one of my favorite quotes:

"Love like you've never been hurt,

Dance like no one is watching,

Sing like no one is listening,

Work like you don't need money,

and Live like there's no tomorrow."


  1. Your post leaves me speechless. So beautiful. I'm glad you're among the living.

  2. Thanks, Ana, for trusting us with your truth. I admire you even more than I did before. I love that quote, and it is so true. We never know what dark cave other people dwell in. One of my favorites from AA is (you've probably heard this 2-3 times a week at least): Don't compare your insides with someone else's outsides."

    Thank you for being able to face terror and stare it down every day, one day at a time...

  3. Julia: Thanks for commenting. I'm glad I'm among the living too!

    Sharon: Aww thanks. I love that quote but I heard it before I went into AA actually, but I do hear it often in the meetings. A friend of mine told me that my story would inspire people and perhaps help them overcome their own terrors. But I was still really nervous about saying it, not sure how people would react. And yes, it's one day at a time...and sometimes one minute at a time.

    I feel like giving everyone hugs! So *BIG HUGS* to everybody! You guys rock.

  4. WOW - this was so deep - I would love to see other struggling teen-age writers to see this - so they can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When one writer makes it, we all do. Thanks for braving the truth and sharing it with us. I'm glad you didn't didn't die - I would have missed out on lots of inspiration from your posts... guess I'm in for a treat when you get officially published!

  5. Thanks so much George! I'm glad my posts inspire you. It means a lot that I can inspire others with my personal story or my words in general. Makes me smile. Thanks George.

  6. Thank you ever so much for sharing that with us, Ana. I guess we truly never know a person until we walk a mile in their shoes (and I seriously doubt that many of us would make the full mile).

    Keeping working at it. I know we'll all be the better for it.

  7. Greg: That is true. I don't know if I could walk the full mile in someone elses shoes either. My shoes leave blisters enough as it is! LOL

    Jen: I love you babes! *big hugs*

  8. Wow! Thanks for sharing, my friend. I'm so glad that you are still among the living. And I look forward to the next chapter of your life. I hope we get to live it right beside you and yours.
    Take care.

  9. *Big Hug* You've been through a lot, but you became the wonderful person that you are today. I love your honesty. You like masks, judging by your pic, but you don't wear one. :)

  10. Impressive, inspiring... and simply beautiful. Well said, my friend.