Motivation from the Dark

Sorry this post is a little late. It was hard for me to write as you will see as you read this post. This weeks topic is about motivation. As a warning, this post is going to get really dark for a moment, which might seem out of character for me as I usually try to stay positive in my posts, but it'll get better toward the end I promise.


So what motivates me to keep writing and not give up? Well, to answer that I have to take you back a few years to a sixteen year old girl trapped by alcohol and drug addiction. I couldn't function without a few vicodins or oxycodones to start the day, a few drinks after school (okay a lot of drinks) and more pills at night. The fact that I didn't stop my heart with this combination of chemicals is beyond me.

I should have died.

I wanted to die.


Yes, it's true. I wanted to die more than anything. I would wake up extremely mad I woke up at all. I tried to years to find the right concoction of drugs that would let me just slip away in my sleep. But I never found it.

I guess maybe I have a purpose to fulfill in this life. Perhaps I am destined for something. Who knows. All I know is that for about ten years, my soul was in total agony because of what I was doing to myself and the fact that I seemed immortal!

I don't want to scare you too much with the horror stories of those ten years. But let me just say I can tell you each moment where rightfully and scientifically I should have died. Besides the lethal drugs I was pumping steadily into my system, there was the fact I ran into traffic - on purpose. I purposefully walked into dangerous situations and fights hoping I would come out the loser (and in my mind, really, the winner...) I have more scars than I can count - one of which from a somewhat serious stab wound to my chest. The rest from doing things like, rock climbing with no safety equipment.

Obviously this story has a happy ending. I didn't die and I don't want to die anymore. I got into a recovery program, AA, and slowly began to put back the pieces of my life. It's been four and a half years since my last drink - four and half years since I last wanted to die.

So what motivates me to keep going and not quit? The fact that every day I have now is a miracle. Sometimes I feel I didn't earn this time because of the person I once was. I hurt people during those ten years I suffered - I hurt a lot of people. Each day is a blessing that I can't take for granted. I wasted ten years of my life because of my own selfishness and pain and I don't intend to waste another moment. I keep improving and learning and moving forward in a positive way.

I should have died long before I reached the age of 20. The first birthday I had after I sobered up I cried for most of the day. I never thought I would see the age of 23.

Like I said. I must have a destiny to fulfill. I have been blessed with friends who truly love and care about me, a husband who has stuck by my side for the last four and a half years, a beautiful son who adores me.

If I was to impart any knowledge to the readers out there it would be this. Don't waste your life. If you have dreams or things you want to do -- go do them NOW. Life is way too short to wait for "someday." And it's way too short to quit when things get tough.

I'll close with one of my favorite quotes:

"Love like you've never been hurt,

Dance like no one is watching,

Sing like no one is listening,

Work like you don't need money,

and Live like there's no tomorrow."