Wednesday, March 2, 2011


Warning: This weeks topic – what motivates me – was a bitter, dark chapter of self discovery.
Upon preparing for the post, it was revealed that for my whole life, I confused and mixed personal motivation and with illustrious inspiration, and made a delightful cocktail of my own devious imagination.

After I was ever so thoughtfully pointed into the boring, yet proper direction by my beloved friend Thom (whose impressive title of ‘Mr. Know-it-all’ far exceeds that of Bullwinkle J. Moose), I started on the day long journey of discovering if I, indeed, had this elusive motivation gene everyone was clamoring about.

And if I did, what the hell was it.

What I found out both astounded my intelligence yet disgruntled my very soul.

The official definition of motivation is ‘eagerness and willingness to do something without needing to be told or forced to do.’

Motivation is complex since human nature is complex. What kicks you in the arse and gets you going might not thrill me in the slightest and vise-versa.

Yet for me to understand what motivates me to act in certain ways enables me to work peaceably with my muse. It’s also a way for me to give fair warning to those who are intimate in my life; by understanding what motivates me, they are less likely to get in my way and become road kill.

Motivation can be categorized according to whether it is a basic, instinctive drive, common to all people and animals. This type of motivation involves satisfying the needs of the physical body including hunger, thirst, shelter/safety, sexual activity and so on.

Learned motivation (or external motivation) is based on a reward system (think potty training or to cease smoking) and seems to satisfy the desires of the mind and the spirit. It includes achievement of goals, whether they be in terms of gaining knowledge, power, self-development or a loving relationship.  

So, with all this hefty knowledge in hand – did I find out what motivates me?

Ummm, yes. But it’s not pretty.

My sexual drive motivates me to be as passionate with my stories as I am to my lovers in bed. It is my WILL to pleasure all who read.

  • Greed
  • Anger
  • Hunger
  • Fear
  • Power
  • Sexual Drive

Interesting. Scary. Not what I envisioned as a Gay Romantic Suspense writer, and definitely not what I would consider a healthy way of thinking.

Yet, after pondering on this startling self-examination result, some key factors have come into place. I am a melancholy person. I’m in my element during stormy weather. Pain and death and loss have built me into the creature I am today. I tend to gravitate to the dark side of life. I love villains more than heroes and even my favorite heroes are considered anti-heroes.

Should that which motivates me be any different than that which I love?

GREEDas a writer, I don’t lust after money or fame and have a distain for authors who do. My greed stems from the fact I WANT to write. I am greedy with my time, my words, my talent. My greed motivates me to push past fluff and utter nonsense other writers seem caught up in. It if doesn’t involve around my world of writing, I don’t want it. If it does – it WILL be mine.

ANGERmy anger fuels me, pushes me ahead, keeps me from drowning in a sea of pauper pity. I see the injustice in my life, I see how the sins of others have inflicted me and I seethe with a righteous fire. My anger motivates me to prove myself worthy and to cast the peons who doubted my talent into the fiery path of my pen. Vengeance, even in the form of a story, WILL be mine.

HUNGERthe gnawing in my gut drives me to excess. I feast upon words, upon books, ideas, concepts, anything to fill the empty void within. I regurgitate these things, digest them and absorb them into my body. My hunger motivates me to keep on, a driving force to seek out new experiences, new knowledge, and new ideas to write about, thus propelling me even further into my craft. I WILL follow my craving to write.

FEAR is the root of my anger. I fear for my sanity. I fear to be alone in an eternity where there is no stories, no books, no words and in such an arena, my imagination would tear at itself like a starving cannibal. I fear the ever present ring of laughter from my past peers, those who told me I would never amount to anything. Surly, they can’t be right, can they? My fear motivates me to run, not as a coward, but to leave those hurtful taunts that chase me behind. I will show them. I WILL succeed.

POWERthey say the pen is mightier than the sword. I believe it, for I have fought many bloody battles with my words. Some I won, some I lost, some are pending. The ink runs in my veins, flows down onto the paper and breathes life into ALL my campaigns. With my words, I can create life, I can cast death. I rain blessings and curses with a stroke across the keyboard. My characters and my world are at my mere whims. I am a GOD and nobody can hurt me. My power motivates me to go beyond what I thought was possible. My stories WILL bow to me and obey.

SEXUAL DRIVE – some days, my need to write, to create, equals or surpasses my sexual desire. My creative juices teams with squiggling life creating properties. The hormones that course through my body scream for release in the form of words on paper, scene after scene, character within the plot and the orgasmic blow of the black moment. My sexual drive motivates me to be as passionate with my stories as I am to my lovers in bed. It is my WILL to pleasure all who read.

So, coming up to resurface from my frightening sub-conscious, I have decided I am totally mental. However, with that said, no matter how disturbing, how insane my motivations are to others, they work well with me. The sense of motivational control I have over my world is almost heady, and within my spirit house bubbles a thigh clenching “Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha…..”

Yeah. My motivations. They work for me.

Welcome home to the dark side…


  1. Great post George! I wonder if I delved this deep into my subconcious what would I find? Probably something scary and twisted but hey, I love the dark side too, so it works! After all the reason the dark side has cookies is because I baked them! *wink*

  2. Well said. Darkness is fundamental. In darkness we breed worlds.

  3. Anastasia - LOL - that is a good one! I gotta remember that!

  4. Christopher - thanks. I always knew I flirted with the darker emotions, but this was a real eye opener. It got me really thinking...

  5. Love this post! Kudos for daring to explore yourself like that. Love those Anti-Heroes my self ;)

  6. Thanks Sherri - anti heroes are soooo interestingly complex...

  7. Done it again, George!

    I'm listening to the track right now: "Everyone's A Hero", Nathan Fillion's voice (otherwise known as Rick Castle):

    Everyone's a hero in their own way,
    Everyone's got villains they must face.

    Couldn't help it, when I saw your picture of Dr. Horrible.

    Darn it all, George, now it'll be rattling around in my head all day...

    Cool stuff, my friend. Lots to think about.

  8. Hey Sharon --

    Yeah, Doctor Horrible will do that to you. The whole soundtrack is great.

    GAWD, I love Josh Wheaton! The man is so creative!

    Nathan Fillion was on Firefly as well - another one of Josh's creations.

    I really want to see Doctor Horrible done on Broadway. That would be sooo kewl.

    My love of the show is Doctor Horrible himself. It helps that Neil Patrick Harris pulled him off in a most convincing manner. I think he ranks as one of my top anti-heroes...

    Oh - and my song? I love Brand New Day. Talk about a little ditty going over in your head!

    It’s a brand new day
    Yeah the sun is high
    All the angels sing
    Because you’re gonna die

    Go ahead and laugh
    Yeah I’m a funny guy
    Tell everyone goodbye
    It’s a brand new day

  9. Awesome Post I have the Dr. Horrible Dvd I loved it The only thing that really scared was the Excorsist could be too because I'm a Roman Catholic they use the devil alot when i was little to scares use into being good LOL

  10. Thanks Denise.

    Isn't it funny about how things scare you as a child, and remain with you all your adult life?

    You know what I got scared of when I was five?

    After my father died, when my mother left the house to go on a date, my 17 year old brother would shut off all the lights, and turn on his reel-to-reel tape player and play the theme to the Clint Eastwood movie "The Good, The Bad & the Ugly' (you know - the spooky whistle and the music and the voices in the back ground?)

    Well, after all that, he would chase me around the house, yelling that Barnabas Collins (a vampire from the soap Dark Shadows) was right behind me - and I would go screaming through the house, sure that I would be caught and my blood sucked out and my daddy would be pissed because I would become an undead and never see him in heaven.

    Sad thing was when mom came home, I would tattle on my brother -- but she always took his side and didn't believe me!

    Before my brother died in 2004 - he had great fun telling that tale to anyone who would listen. His excuse for doing that to me? It kept me out of his hair, as I would be so terrified I would hide for hours.

    As for me, to this day, when I hear that damn song to the Good, The Bad and The Ugly - I wig right out - goosebumps, cold sweat, jittery nerves, the whole nine yards.

    Needless to say, that is the only Clint Eastwood movie I've never seen...

  11. Yes, this is the ubiquitous Thom... lol... Great job, George. You took the information I gave you and ran with it (like you do with scissors). Not only that, you dug with it, deep in your psyche and found some rather dark but interesting things... But I love you anyway, so I guess I will have to put up with hearing tghe songs from Dr. Horrible (and having them stuck in my head too, hopefully no along with your scissors.

    Keep up the good work. I think we learn something with each blog that you write, about you, but usually about ourselves.


  12. Oh, George...I loved this post. It struck so many chords in me...I'm very nearly teary-eyed.

    It's your thoughts on anger and hunger and fear that struck me the most...that I can understand the most.

    Thank you for posting's nice to know I am not alone in the darkness.


  13. Great post George! I don't think your subconscious is at all twisted ... but then, I gravitate to the dark side too, so maybe I'm bias? I especially love your explanation of power as a motivational source. I too feel like the god of my fictional worlds, and damn I love how that feels. It just boggles my mind because even though I create the world, the characters, the set up, the conflict, etc. my characters still do whatever they want anyway. I watch from above, seeing the bigger picture that they can't see. It mystifies me like nothing else.

  14. I think Thom said it best, by sharing yourself, George, we learn a bit about ourselves in the process.