Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I HATE CLOWNS!
[caption id="attachment_3661" align="alignright" width="100" caption="Pulp Fiction gone too far..."].
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Yes, You read that right.
Clowns scare the holy crap out of me. They make me nauseous, cause me to tremble, and on occasion, if I'm caught unwares, I pee myself.
And it doesn't take Halloween for these things to happen.
A fun child icon for many, these painted prankster posers embody all I seriously believe to be depraved and nefarious.
Not only do I hate clowns, I despise them.
[caption id="attachment_3669" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Bozo does not make my day..."]
[/caption]I abhor them.
I simply LOATHE them.
Can you say "coulrophobia"? It means a fear of clown and mimes, though, I can honestly say, mimes only annoy the hell out of me.
What could have brought on such an aversion to the bogus big nosed folks?
Was the seed planted when I was but a mere 7 years old, feeling quite naughty staying up way past midnight to watch a delightfully scary horror movie while Aunt Pauline laid snoring, the yellow popcorn bowl rising up and down on her belly with each breath? I don't remember any clown movies, but still...
Did it happen during a flu-fever induced dream, where I found myself at a circus where a psycho dressed in clown regalia took advantage of my innocent virtue by squirting his flower in my face, then mocked me in front of others, saying I was now marked by the monsters and he would come and get me?
[caption id="attachment_3670" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="Steven King's IT"]
[/caption]Perhaps it was during my adolescence, when all the news reports examined things in great detail, about how depraved men (like John Wayne Gacy) hid their insidious natures behind a mask of pure white makeup and frizzy, blood-like red hair and humongous lips, all the while living as a priest among his flock.
To this day, I'm not sure. All I know is that this phobia of galactic proportions has traveled through time with me.
As my children were growing up, if they received something with a clown in, it was thrown in the garbage. Do not pass 'GO,' do not collect 200 bucks.
Needless to say, we didn't do McDonalds. (Yes. Another way I ruined my son and daughter's childhood. They still lament about it.)
Whatever lanced my psyche has left me with a dark desire to be a professional 'clown hunter.'
[caption id="attachment_3671" align="alignright" width="104" caption="1988 - Killer Klowns From Outer Space"]
[/caption]Yeah. I hate clowns.
But, why?
Could it be that clowns are psychotic? They pretend to be good when they are really evil. I mean, anyone who goes around with a smile painted on that wide is definitely hiding something. NOBODY has that much to be happy about!
Is it possible the clothes yank my chain? Brightly colored, mixed-matched, with oversized shoes, buttons, fluffy ruffles...
...and gregarious pantaloons that hide a multitude of malevolent wares - and he's just itching to use them on you.
Or is it that damnable makeup? All pure white, with exaggerated eyebrows and heinous grins? Folks that have to hide behind a greasepaint mask are truly demented.
I dunno.
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[/caption]Yet, I can tell you, with all my love for werewolves, vampires, witches, ghosts, mummies, creatures and zombies, I have never been able to bring myself to watch a movie full of horrific, blood thirsty clowns.
So, it is with great surprise to myself that I am entertaining the thought of penning a story or two about the dasterdly devils. I figure with a fear as impassioned as mine, the result can only be a strong story.
One never knows when a clown will appear.
Do you have something that scares the living be-jeezus out of you, which makes no sense?
Please share it with me, so I don't feel like such a wuss!
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Well, clowns don't get me that bad, but they do creep me out.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really phobic of anything; I used to be afraid of the water but it wasn't the water so much as drowning. The only thing I can think of that irrationally freaks me out is that little puzzle box in the Hellraiser movies. I refuse to go anywhere near one of them. A friend of mine bought one, and I made her lock the thing in the trunk on the way home, and I wouldn't let her take it out and bring it inside until after I'd left. I never went back to her house after that. I have no idea why the things worry me. It's just a molded piece of plastic - I'm rationally aware that it can't hurt me. But still - I won't go near one.
I don't like heights. No, I take that back...I detest heights. Can't even climb a stepladder without getting palpitations. If it was left up to me, the top half of our Christmas tree would be forever bare of decorations unless I could somehow manage to toss them up and get them to stick.
ReplyDeleteBleachers? Good grief, I'd rather get drilled at the dentist sans Novocaine than have to negotiate climbing up or down bleachers without the benefit of a handrail and preferably a safety harness.
When everyone else is toeing the edge of the precipice exclaiming over the view of the valley far below, I'm chaining myself to the largest immovable object within reach.
Heights are definitely my Kryptonite.
Anything horror scares the crap out of me. Clowns can be dastardly so I agree with you George that they can be down-right dreadful.
ReplyDeleteBut Ronald McDonald -- please you big meanie.. your children were scared for life not getting those yummy french fries only McDonald's can make. Ya could have used the drive-through!!!! and they never got their toys in their happy meals... bad daddy!!!!
One thing that still freaks me out is Chuckie movie. Any doll that looks like Chuckie I stay far away from...
As for phobia -- I hate umbrellas - I'm not scared of them per see I just hate them. I'd rather get drenched than use one. I have a bunch but never use one. There's one in the car but I'll be damned if I use it. Who knows why? Nobody in my family remembers a bad experience with an umbrella. I think it has to do with the fact I was a preemie only 4 lbs 8 oz born a month early and was in an incubator for a week. Something about that top over me.. I'm a little claustrophobic in tight spaces so I think it was the incubator cover.... but that's just my theory.. who really knows.. maybe I'll write about umbrellas that come alive...
I think I'll bring that up in the MUSE conference workshop on inanimate objects.. Thanks George now I have an idea about a story..
Please send your children gift certificates for McDonalds for Christmas or their birthdays - they are grown they don't need you to go... LOL
Kris
Very cool post, George. Who knows what scares us, right? In my post on Friday, the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz will be making an appearance. I think they must have frightened me as a kid because to this day, whenever I think to watch that film or to purchase the DVD for my classic film collection, the first thought that comes to mind are the damned flying monkees!
ReplyDelete(Whispering) By the way, rather than go for the serious, I went with humor for tomorrow's post. Don't tell anyone...it'll be out little secret. ;)
-Jimmy
Your not afraid of Clowns If you were you wouldn't be on this site nor having scary clown foto's. You would be embarrassed. If u don't like Clowns you don't need to tell the world nor hate them. I've actually talked to 2 people who actually have it which is very rare. You would be in Therapy which your not doing. You aren't doing yourself or the few people that actually have to any favors.
ReplyDelete